Random Ramblings

A few things I've been thinking about that I'd like to note for posterity sake.

We had Stake Conference the past weekend and I was asked to speak in the adult session Saturday night. Originally the assignment was for Sunday morning but someone canceled and they needed me Saturday (much smaller crowd, so glad!) Along the lines of the Mutual theme for 2009 (Be thou an example of the believers in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12) My assignment was charity, serviceable charity.

The week before conference Jeff Romans spoke in sacrament meeting about charity. It was a fabulous talk. Very sincere, heartfelt and full of the spirit. I was pretty sure he should be the one to speak in Stake Conference instead of me. After his talk as I was reflecting upon it and my upcoming assignment the spirit chastised me. I have not had enough charity. I know there is a real reason why I was assigned this topic.

I learned a lot in my study and preparation. Aside from the personal humility to try a little harder to be a little better. The spirit open my eyes to see 2 dramatic experiences in my life when I felt complete charity. Through these experiences I have gained a greater understanding of what charity is, how much our Father loves us personally, and how necessary it is for each of us to posses charity. These experiences are of the nature that I will not forget them and the lesson I've learned.

The first experience is the night Hallie was born. Kurt rushed over to Ontario to give a blessing and Marti went for support. I stayed with my sleeping kids and prayed that all would be well. A few hours later Kurt called with the up-date that things were not well at all. I went into my kids bedroom and looked at their beautiful sleeping faces. I knew I was so blessed to have 3 wonderful children and at the same time it was so unfair that Jeff & Julie might not have Hallie in this earth life. And I prayed all night on the floor with my children all around me that Heavenly Father could take one of my children so that Jeff & Julie could have Hallie in this earth life. In that moment Heavenly Father gave me true charity so that I could see what love it would take to give a child up for another.

The second experience is after my sister's divorce as she struggled through the darkness and bitterness of the choices her husband had made. One night as we were talking on the phone she was commenting on how much she missed having a righteous priesthood holder in her home. As I listened to her and felt her sorrow and heartache I knew that I would share Kurt with her in order for her to be whole again and erase her heartache. In that moment Heavenly Father gave me true charity so that I could see what love it would take to share my husband with another.

I do not want to give up my child and I do not want to share Kurt with anyone.

But in those moments of true Godly sorrow I was given a glimpse of charity. If what I gave up (my child, my husband) would take away the pain and suffering of those I loved then I would do it. Does this not sound like the atonement? It is the truest form of charity ever given.

I'm not sure how to transition after all that. It is quite deep for a blog. Let my testimony be heard!

The second thing I've been thinking lots about is my children and the number thereof. Mainly the number. I never use to think that 4 was a lot of kids. But I never had 4 kids before. Now I do. And 4 is a lot.

In true mother form I worry a lot about things. Some little, some big. But mainly I worry if I'm doing my very best at this mother thing. It is not something I take lightly. Not something I can go back and fix. The time is now! Each day I can try again to be better, more loving, more fun, to teach more, to spend more one-on-one time, to be the kind of mother my kids deserve. My kids are loved, clothed and fed. They are having a great childhood. The won't remember the every day stuff. Really this process of motherhood is for me. It's my growing up process. The kids are really raising me.

Back to the number. When you add 4 little ones with all very real, very many needs and demands I run out of time in the day to get them all met. I realize their age and the fact that they are close together in age has a lot to do with my equation. But this is what Heavenly Father gave me. I wouldn't change it! The fact doesn't change that I still need to be the best mommy possible for these sweethearts.

My life is very full with 4 children. I don't feel like the work load is any different from 3 to 4 but the responsibility load is. And it is enough. 4 kids is a lot.

Luckily I don't have to make the decision today or even tomorrow if 4 is the perfect number. But for RIGHT NOW...it is.