~~~ April 10, 2003 ~~~

I had another ultrasound this morning around 10:15 am. There really wasn't anything new. They said there was about 2.9 cm of fluid. I waited all morning for Dr. Boyle to come and finally he did around noon. It was really good to talk with him. He talked more about the long term goals and outcomes which is what I wanted and needed to hear.

There is basically no fluid in the womb. They want to wait until I'm 32 weeks (which will be the end of this weekend) to give enough time for the antibiotics and steroids to take effect. But he explained that after 32 weeks the risks out weigh the benefits of staying in the womb, especially in my case since there is no fluid. There is risk for the cord to prolapse, there is lots of pressure on the placenta and the ever increasing risk for infection. We really just can't take the risks (in my case.) The Dr. feels that he would do better in the NICU than fighting the risks of staying inside. He said if I don't start labor this weekend we should strongly consider inducing by early next week. Its hard to know because I'm not an expert on the subject but I trust our Dr.s they specialize with this daily. Kurt and I feel good about this, we continue to feel calm and peaceful so we press forward. Both of us have felt all along that we wouldn't be going to stay for weeks and weeks. I was praying we could make it through the week to give us enough time for the medicine to help. Its another few days and then we'll be in the clear. Honestly I hope that my body will naturally start with the contractions this weekend so we don't have to induce early next week. We'll just let nature take its course I guess.

It was another set back for me, just something else I wasn't prepared for. It blows me away to realize I'll be in labor and pushing in a few short days and then my little baby Austin will be in the world. Am I ready for this? I guess its too late for that now!

We also got a tour of the NICU late last night. That was hard for both of us. A slap in the face of reality. He is going to be so small and so helpless. They like to keep the babies in the NICU until their due date. That's going to be a long time, 2 months of a long time. I just hate to think of him being in there and not being able to hold and touch and love him all the time. It hurts my heart. I wish with all my heart that he didn't have to come right now - that he could wait until June 8th and we could take him home like normal parents. But its not to be this time. I'm just so scared. I'm leaning on Kurt. I know TOGETHER we can make it through. Oh, how I need him.