I have put off writing this post for a long time. I could not do it. I did not want to do it. The emotions were too raw, too painful. I knew at some point I would have to tackle it. Truthfully I don't know if this is the right time but I'm praying it'll be therapeutic.
Monday the 18th was spent in all kinds of last-minute preparations for camp (namely getting the songbook finished!) I went up that night to be with the youth camp leaders & other stake leaders. Emma came up the next day (Tuesday) with the rest of the wards. I was surprised to see Kurt just about time to start camp (opening ceremonies & songs & such.) He pulled me aside and said Sam was missing (last seen a week ago) & my sisters were starting a family fast for him. Immediately a pit sunk in the bottom of my stomach. Then I had to jump up & do the music with the camp.
One picture of me & my girl at camp.
A few hours later I was in the kitchen with the rest of the adult leaders preparing lunch. I looked up to see Kurt walking into the kitchen. In that instant, I knew. I saw it in his face, in his red-stained eyes that held a deep sorrow. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room as I covered my mouth to try to hold back the sobs that we escaping until we were out of the room. He led me to the grass under a shady tree and told me what I already knew in my heart. Sam had committed suicide.
The facts, for documentation purpose. His body was found in a hotel room in Salt Lake on Friday the 15th (his 28th birthday.) He was in the bathtub. He had purchased a brand new gun. The receipt and bag were in the hotel with him. Because it happened it Salt Lake over the weekend the ball was dropped & it wasn't until my parents filed a missing person report on Monday in West Jordan were the dots connected. A police officer came to the house on Monday evening & gave them the news. They called siblings on Tuesday morning.
After the sobbing stopped long enough for me to breathe Kurt gave me a blessing. I received peace. I knew I needed to stay at camp. I kept thinking, "You say you believe in Christ. You know Him. Well here it is, what do you do when it gets hard? When your life has shattered into a million pieces what are you going to do? Do you live what you believe?" So I choose to stay because I KNOW there is peace in Christ. That is the mutual theme this year. I knew immediately when they asked me to be the camp music director that we needed to learn & sing the mutual theme song, "Peace in Christ." The words kept coming back to me everytime I thought I would crumble under the weight of the sorrow. I would sing the song or recite the lyrics in my head. It became my mantra and the peace did come.
After Kurt left I immediately went to the craft area and got busy talking with the girls and painting. I had to stay busy and I had to serve. So much of camp is a blur at this point. But the adults were my guardian angels constantly checking in on me & giving endless hugs. I know now that I was at girls camp for me. Because when the news came about Sam I was in a place where I could immediately give service and I was surrounded by friends who love & care about me. I am so overwhelmed by the love of my Heavenly Father who knows me so perfectly to make sure I was in the best place to receive such devastating news. Don't get me wrong, it was difficult to stay there and keep singing all the happy, silly songs but it kept me going.
Thursday morning after breakfast I left. I was ready to be home at that point & needed to get ready to leave for the funeral. As soon as I got back into cell service talked to my siblings and parents & hugged my kids so tight. It was all so tender. It still is. Thursday afternoon I went to the temple. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for the temple & the peace that can only be found in the house of the Lord. Emma got a ride home from a leader late that night. She bore her testimony & was pretty emotional (it was all starting to sink in at that point.)
Friday we drove down to Utah. The Farnsworths, Tim & Julie and us stayed at a Air B n B in West Jordon. It worked out perfectly. Friday evening the adults all met together to have a "lean in" as Joseph described it. To Lean into our grief, share our regrets & have an open discussion about Sam's death. It was extremely emotional but so very good. We needed it. Maybe we should have been doing it all along. At any rate, I feel like it brought us closer together.
All of us after leaning into our grief together.
Getting ready for the service. We love Wally!!
Finishing up their cards to Sam
Dad conducted. All the siblings & spouses were given a chance to speak (all did except Roger.) My mom put together a slideshow that was shown in the middle of the talks. After the service, we went the short distance to the cemetery. My dad explained the family history importance of this cemetery. I'm grateful there is a family connection, I know that gives them some comfort & meaning. All the grandkids were given the chance to say something about Sam. We also placed our cards to him in the ground (under where his casket would go.) It was good (therapeutic) for us to each write down our good-byes since we didn't get the chance in person. Timothy gave a beautiful prayer to dedicate the grave. The kids all released yellow balloons up to heaven for Sam. Roger did a wonderful job to capture all the sweet & raw moments. All of the siblings, Ben, Kurt, Austin, & Spencer were pallbearers. I'm guessing that is probably the only time in my life I will be a pallbearer. I was not prepared emotionally for the weight of carrying my brother to his final resting place.
Grandkid tributes:
The Super Six will always be missing you Sam.
The hardest goodbye
We met back at my parents chapel for lunch of Sam's favorites: pizza & ice cream.
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